Still an Innocent
by alynnadasgay
Summary: Tori has to learn something in life in a harsh way, so when her family decided to that she needs them help to overcome whatever she is going through, they sent her to a therapist who might just turn Tori's world upside down and help her.


idk.. ifthere is any trigger warning in this so…proceed with caution?

and sorry for any mistakes.

* * *

During at a family reunion when Tori was five it all happened.

Tori came from a family that is known for their wealth, great careers and most especially beautiful bodies and faces.

When Tori was five she was this cute chubby little girl to other people but to her parents, she's this fat little girl who only loves to eat and sleep.

So during her family reunion she gets to see her cousins. They were all the same age as her and her older sister Trina. It's like all of the family members planned to have a baby the same year so that their kids could grow up together. Tori doesn't actually know the point of planning everything. Because she's this carefree young girl but all of that change because of her so called family.

She was happily eating alone in the living room of her grandma with a full plate of shrimps on her hands when her cousin Noreen and Alexandria came in front of her. At such a young age those two girls' mind were already mature and by mature, they simply don't talk childish things such as fairytales and they don't even play Barbies. Not that Tori is complaining, she never liked playing with her Barbie dolls too. She likes playing with Karl's toy cars instead and Karl likes playing with Tori's doll too. So they simply switched each other's toy. But when Karl's dad found out, he got sent upstairs and when Tori finally got to see him again that day, he doesn't quite look the same , other than the fact he has a bruise on his cheek.

She was happily munching her shrimp when Noreen decided to speak to her. Noreen told her how fat she is and that at the age of sixteen Tori would be the fattest girl alive that she'd make it in the Guinness Book of Records, that is if she has beaten her sister to it.

She and Trina were the same, both chubby while their cousins were this skinny kids who looks like they rarely eat sweets and junk foods. Which Tori think is quite sad since being a kid is all about having fun and relishing every second of it. But it seems like their views are way different from her.

Tori doesn't really remember what else Noreen had said because all she could hear is the word fat over and over again but she does remember Alexandria laughing at every comment Noreen made. Tori dropped her plate and ran out of the living room, she wasn't that good with words so she really doesn't know what her cousins were saying to her. Actually, she only learned to speak at the age of 4 which was only a year ago.

But she knows when people insult her.

She was running away from them, she knows she's far enough but she could still hear Noreen say 'fat'. She doesn't that simple word yet so she needs to ask her mom about it.

She bumped into someone that made her fall on her butt and it was her aunt, instead of asking the little child if she was okay and help her up, she complained how clumsy she is and that she'll talk to her parents about raising such a poorly postured child.

Tori got up and was about to run again, to run to her parents and find some comfort in them but she didn't need to since her parents were there and just witnessed everything that had just happened yet they did not do anything. Sure she wasn't physically hurt by her aunt but insulting her in front of the other family members is still horrible. She just humiliated her and yet her parents didn't do anything.

But she doesn't hate them for not standing up to her that day, she doesn't know why, she just can't hate them.

She just stood there while her aunt complained to her parents. Tori saw her aunts and uncles even her grandma and grandpa nod their heads on whatever her aunt Cheryl is saying. Then her aunt faced her parents and she started hearing the word fat again and her older sister's name.

Again, her parent's didn't do anything.

Instead they agreed to what her cruel aunt were saying.

Her eyes started to sting and she knows she shouldn't cry in front of them. No, she won't give them a free show and humiliate herself even more.

So she bites her tongue so that the pain would stop her from crying but it got to the point that even though it hurts so much, she's still gonna cry not because of how hard she is biting her tongue but some words she could understand from what her family members were saying, that blood started to spill out from her tongue. Instead of running and go to the bathroom to spit out the blood, she swallowed it instead.

She didn't know why she did that.

All she knows is, she's not gonna runaway anymore. And just face it.

When they went back home, she asked her sister Trina what fat means. Trina was only a year older from her but Trina is way smarter and beautiful than her. She isn't jealous of her, instead she looks up to her.

Trina explained it to her and even said that Tori shouldn't believe them but Tori blocked Trina out after she said the meaning.

Ever since then Tori stopped eating a lot, her parents didn't question why their child who normally eats like some homeless person who has never eaten for a year, decided that only 2 meals a day were enough. No more sweets and junk foods.

At the age of five, Tori was verbally bullied.

And those people were her family.

* * *

Tori wasn't the smartest kid in her class but she isn't the dumbest person either. She falls somewhere in between, if there is really such a thing called in between.

She gets average grades and all that, she could answer a teacher's question if they called her but she isn't a genius like Catherina.

She considers Catherina the smartest kid in her class heck maybe even in the whole school.

She's not jealous of her. She actually looks up to her.

Catherina was this girl who has very curly brown hair and she was really smart. But no one adored her like Tori did. Catherina doesn't have friends, she eats alone during recess and everybody bullies her for being a nerd.

Tori is thankful enough that she and her sister are at the same school and has the same schedule of recess.

And one time, the teacher asked a question to this kid named Ryder and Ryder doesn't seem to know the answer. So Catherina raised her hand. To Tori it seems like Catherina just wants to help Ryder out but to Ryder it's a way of Catherina to humiliate him after all the things he did to her.

So when the teacher asked Ryder to sit back down and let Catherina answer the question, he glared at her.

When Catherina answered the question right and sat back down on her sit. Ryder said that nobody likes a know-it-all and that's the reason why she doesn't have friends.

An unreadable expression flickers on Catherina's face but after a while the unreadable expression turned into a hurt one.

Later that day after school, Tori asked her sister Trina why Catherina was always bullied. But instead of answering the question, Trina asked what Catherina is like.

So Tori described her.

Then Trina said that nerds are always below the social pyramid.

At the age of eight Tori learned that the smart ones are the ones who will always be below at the pyramid while the talented and pretty ones will always be at the top.

* * *

She was twelve when it happened.

Her parents were arguing in the middle of the night.

She just woke up, hearing her mother scream, her father shouting.

She's scared and she doesn't know what to do. So she just covered her whole body with her blanket and grab two pillows beside her and place it on her ears.

But it didn't block out the sound their fight.

She kept on hearing her mother screaming and crying while her father shouted. Then she heard something collide with another.

Then she heard her bedroom door creak open. She stopped breathing and shut her eyes. She feels her bed dip with the weight then she feels someone wrapping their arms around her.

"It's gonna be okay" she started to breathe again when she heard that familiar voice.

Tori didn't know how scared she was until her sister hummed her a lullaby to try at least to get her mind off at their parents fight, while she's crying hysterically.

When tears suddenly stopped flowing from her eyes, she thought maybe she ran out of tears because she's still crying but this time nothing is flowing out from her eyes.

The saddest thing about that night isn't the fact she heard her parents argue but the fact that she always knew her parents' marriage were falling apart right before her eyes and yet she didn't do anything.

But what could she possibly had done?

Like they said during that family reunion when she was five, she's a weakling.

The next day she saw her mom sitting in the living room, with the tv turned on, her eyes seems like it's focusing on the tv but she knows her mom's mind is somewhere else.

She didn't try to find her dad because she knows he's gone.

Like everything else, she just accepted that he's gone.

That he left them.

She tried to approach her mom but something stopped her.

Tori looked at her mom and saw a bluish-purple bruise on her face. Then it hit her, the thing she heard colliding with something is her dad's fist colliding on her mom's once unscarred face.

Her mom must have felt the intent stare of her daughter because her mother's eyes isn't on the tv anymore it was on hers. Glaring at her.

But nonetheless, Tori still thinks her mother as the most beautiful person on earth even if her mother didn't show any affection from her since the beginning or the fact she has a huge bruise on her face. Because to Tori the word beautiful doesn't mean being physically pretty, the word beautiful cuts way more deeper. Like when a person tells you you're beautiful, they aren't talking about your face or body, they're talking about your soul. That they dived through more into you.

She would still think her mother as beautiful because her soul is still innocent and there's still time to fix everything.

After everything her father and mother had done to her.

She still couldn't hate them

Not even her father.

Who is she to hate them when she didn't even got the chance to actually know them. They may live on the same house for the past few years but that doesn't they know each other perfectly well. Heck, her mother doesn't even know what her favorite food is but at least she cared enough to know when Tori's birthday is.

Tori isn't the type of person who would hate someone when she doesn't completely know the person's real intention why they did that to her.

That also applies to her cousins and aunt.

Late that evening, her father hasn't returned yet, not like she's expecting to anyway.

They were having dinner together, in complete silence. Like this isn't new or anything.

Tori is used to silence and she loves it.

But the silence was cut off when her mother spoke for the first time that day.

And that night Tori learned from her mother that there is really no such thing as love.

* * *

It's 2 days before Tori started high school. She survived middle school and thank god those years went by without anymore incident in her life. But she should have known better. After all life has given her so much problems that she should have learned from. Like for example that nothing is certain in this world that no matter how much you try to protect yourself the world will find a way for you to still get hurt.

But right now, Tori is just another teenager having fun at a friend's party a week before school starts yet again.

She isn't popular but she's also not a loser, she still falls somewhere in between. And she's contented with that.

The in betweeners still gets to go to party and stuffs like that and right now her friend Lisa knows this boy named Daniel who is throwing a party just before school started and it'll be the biggest one yet.

Tori remembers Daniel during middle school, he was one of the most popular boys, he's sweet and charming but there's a downside on him, he became popular and well known to the student body and to the school because every day he gets sent to the principal's office. Tori often wonder why the school wouldn't just kick him out.

She isn't surprised anymore when her mom would let her go to parties and stuffs like that. It's been 2 years since her father left and she had never seen him anymore but he still supports them in some way. Her mother just simply stopped taking care of her daughters not because she's still upset or depressed her husband left her but because she has to work 2 jobs in one day just to be able to support her family.

So Tori understands why her mother simply does not pay any attention to them anymore but that doesn't mean her mother stopped caring. Cause if she did then she wouldn't be working two jobs just so they could have food on their table and so she and her sister could go to school and have everything they need.

Tori was alone in the kitchen drinking coke instead of beer. She isn't like them, she hates alcohol and she doesn't smoke. And she promised herself she'll never ever do drugs because she won't be like those troubled kids.

Sure she herself is depressed after all the things that has been going on with her life but she isn't going to turn into an addict.

No she won't become like them.

Her friend Lisa left her alone a while ago to dance with some boy but from where Tori is standing, she could see the people on the dance floor but she can't see her friend or the guy.

She's kind of worried but she knows Lisa since she started middle school. Lisa is the strong type girl that Tori isn't.

She isn't jealous of her. She kind of looks up to her for being so strong and brave after all the shits her friend went through.

Suddenly, she sees Daniel walking towards her. He greeted her and she just smiled back. She learned also from middle school that when a person greets you with a "hello" or an "hi" you shouldn't greet them back with those words because it's not like you're still in kindergarten. So instead just smile back and if they are really interested in being friends with you then they should carry on with conversation.

But Tori isn't much of a talker so she just nod to whatever Daniel is saying.

She should have known the last thing Daniel wants is to become her friend by the way he looks at her. His eyes were never on her eyes but instead on her chest.

Tori doesn't get why he would leer at her like that. She doesn't have a big of a boobs and she isn't wearing something revealing and she isn't that tall so her legs aren't long but she's curvy enough but she doesn't know if she's even pretty enough to be leered at.

She started to feel uncomfortable on the way Daniel looks at her and the way how he grabbed Tori's shoulder then his hands started to travel downside and just starts rubbing Tori's arm but not sympathetically but instead lust. Tori didn't know that a touch could also means lust.

When she was about to excuse herself and find her friend, Daniel grabbed her hand and said to just stay a little bit more and get to know each other more.

They talked about their favorite stuffs and their conversations lasted for quite a while that made Tori thirsty. Her drink from earlier was already empty and she needs water or a coke right now.

That's why she hates talking too much, she gets all thirsty.

So Daniel said he'd grab her a drink, Tori just nodded. It was weird that Daniel went to a different direction to get her a drink when they're already in the kitchen and the fridge is just right there.

Even if Tori was thirsty and the fridge was already there, she doesn't want to be rude when Daniel comes back with her drink and tell him she already had drink something. So she waited.

But while waiting something in Tori's gut tells her to just leave and go home.

But she ignored it.

It took a moment for Daniel to come back with her coke which made Tori curious for a little while. But when he did come back she gladly drink it., even if her mind told her something is wrong with that drink.

When she did finish it. Her vision becomes blurry and her mind is all fuzzy and it just stopped working.

* * *

She woke up feeling someone heavy on top of her and sound of a man groaning and moaning. Then she felt something slide in and out on her center which made her eyes flew open and she saw Daniel naked. The sight made her scream but there's not a sound that came out from her mouth because she finally felt it, a handkerchief was preventing her from screaming as loud as she can and her hands are tied on the headboard and only her legs were free but no matter how much she tried to kick him she failed but instead it turned him on even more.

She knows she couldn't do anything anymore. So she just closed her eyes and prayed that this is all just some bad dream. But like every time she prays nobody is listening to her. Which made her think that there's no such thing as a God. Cause if God really loves his so called children then he should have prevented this thing happening from her.

So when she woke up again, she doesn't see Daniel on top of her anymore, nothing is violating her anymore. And her hands and mouth are free from any restrictions.

She sat up and scanned her surroundings, she must be on his room because of all the different naked posters of women plastered on his wall. Which made Tori think how sick this guy is.

Then she finally focused on herself, just like the women on the posters, she herself is naked. She hurriedly got up from bed and saw her clothes on the floor. She did her best to dress up quickly so that Daniel wouldn't catch her, afraid he might do something again.

She quietly got out of the room and went downstairs and saw how trashed his house is, she went to the front door and got out.

The moment she left his house is when all her emotions comes flooding in. How she feels violated, helpless, and scared.

Tears started to flow out of her eyes again, she thought she had no more tears to cry but now it feels like she has plenty of tears that could last a lifetime to cry over this.

They said those people who cry are the weakest ones.

She already knows that when she was five.

So she just accepted it.

She just accepted it like every shit that went through in her life.

When she got home, she wants to talk to her mom and Trina about this.

But she can't.

She's afraid that they'll kick her out of the house for being such a disgrace.

She just doesn't want to put her family more into shame.

So she kept quiet about it.

But it's killing her inside.

During the first day of school she saw Daniel on his locker talking to his friends.

Tori's whole body stiffened and just stared at him but not angrily but instead with fear.

She was brought back into the harsh reality that is called life when she heard someone call her slut. She snapped her attention away from Daniel and saw this blonde girl glaring at her.

Tori doesn't understand why she has been called a slut. Because she is still a virgin but Daniel took it.

But Daniel didn't only took her virginity but also her pride, dignity and even self-esteem.

But most of all he took that small hope that is still lingering inside Tori when it comes to finding someone who will care for her, understand her but most of all love her.

Days turned to weeks and that blonde who called Tori a slut was Daniel's girlfriend at the time. Now she knows the reason why she called her a slut. It's because she slept with someone who has a partner.

And she promised herself she wouldn't be one of those girls who would intervene in a relationship.

But she broke it.

Even if it's not her fault.

She took all the blame.

What if she told to the girl about the whole story how it all happened?

Would it make a difference?

Would she still be called a slut? A whore?

Lisa also avoided her because she doesn't want to catch Tori's sluttiness, if that is even a word.

Then rumors started to spread about her sleeping with each guy on the football team. She knows it's untrue, even those jockheads too. But those guys just went along with the rumor. Because everytime Tori passed by one athlete they'd all say out loud how good she was in bed.

Which made Tori break even more.

Telling someone she had been raped is pointless anymore. Nobody would believe her since every one is so convinced that she is the school's slut.

So every night in her room, she wishes she doesn't have any emotions or feelings because she just wants to stop feeling like this.

Feeling so dirty.

She doesn't know why she feels like that when it wasn't even her fault in the first place.

She tried to convince herself that it wasn't her fault but it failed.

She stopped convincing herself anymore.

She doesn't know when she started to self-harm.

It just that one day, she felt so overwhelmed with her emotions that she started to feel numb. But even though she had wished for so long to stop feeling anything, it seems like she wants to feel some pain.

But not emotional pain. Physical pain instead.

Because emotional pain is way worst than physical pain. When you hurt yourself physically, yes it'll hurt bad but as time comes that bruise will heal but there will still be left some marks that'll make you think how it happened and how much it hurts. But as you think how bad it must have hurt,do you actually remember the pain it caused? Sure you'll say it hurts so bad but unlike emotional pain. No matter how many years it has been since you've been emotionally hurt, you'll still know and remember the pain. How much it hurts and how much you want it to stop. And that emotional pain will left some pretty big marks on your heart, yourself, your personality, attitude and just about everything.

Emotional pain will fuck you up big time.

Tori hates her scars, It reminded her of all the things she hated about herself, about her life.

But she just can't seem to stop.

Then one day at school, her title is now is 'slut' when it used to be an 'in betweener' . She misses the simple times.

Someone saw her scars and confront her about it.

Instead of telling her to stop harming herself and that whatever she's going through it'll all be okay someday but that person told her how nobody would love her because she has so many scars on her body. That nobody likes a girl with so many bruises.

At the age of fifteen Tori learned that no one on this goddamn planet will truly understand another person unless themselves had experienced whatever that person is going through.

And that nobody really gives a shit about you.

* * *

It was in the middle of her sophomore year when she went to Trina's school because her sister is performing and since their mom couldn't make it, she has to, because she wants Trina to know that she'll always be there for her. She doesn't want her sister to become what she is now and feel the pain she is feeling. The feeling that no one is really there for you.

Trina goes to this performing arts school, called Hollywood Arts, a very creative name for an artsy school. Trina goes there because she scored a scholarship when she auditioned for one.

She was proud of her older sister and so is her mother.

Tori never did feel jealous when her mother told her sister how proud she was of her. Instead of being jealous because Tori knows her mother will never speak so highly of her like that, she feels prouder for her sister.

* * *

Tori started to wear long sleeves even though it's hot as hell. She has to, because if she didn't the whole world will notice her scars on her arms. And they will judge her for that.

And she's had enough of judging.

She thinks why judge when you could just try to understand.

But she learned a long time ago that no one will actually understand her.

And by no one.. she really means no one.

Trina found out about her scars one summer day. The summer before her junior year.

It's been 2 years since the incident but the school won't forget any of that soon.

They were about to go the beach when Tori came out of her room wearing a sweater and pants. So Trina pulled back Tori to her room to find another outfit that is fitting for the occasion. But it seems like Tori only wears long sleeve shirts and pants. No shorts, tank tops or even t- shirts.

"Tori, why don't you own a pair of shorts or even t-shirt? Like what do you even wear when you go to sleep?" Trina asked while still searching in her sister's closet for anything that is comfortable to wear to the beach.

Tori wasn't really focused on what Trina was saying but she absentmindedly replied "It's because I don't want to attract men that might take away something from me again"

Trina stopped what she's doing and looked at her sister. Not in a type she thinks her little sister is crazy but instead she looked at her with worry and fear.

"What do you mean again?" Trina asked, slowly walking towards to Tori.

Tori snapped out of her thoughts and shook her head. "Oh what..nothing"

But Trina isn't convinced when she was only a centimeter away from her sister she grabbed her wrist and looked her straight in the eye.

"If I find one scar on your wrist Tori I swear to god I'll-" Trina was cut off when Tori yanked her wrist away from Trina's grip and started to shout at her.

"What?! What will you do? Tell me that I'm stupid for doing this?!"

Trina was taken aback by what her sister had just said. So her suspicion is correct that Tori is relly doing it.

She should have known.

She should have seen the sign since her friend has been harming herself too, she should have noticed it.

But like everyone else on Tori's life.

Nobody truly paid any attention to her.

* * *

After what happened to Tori's room. Trina talked to her mom about it. She and her mom aren't that close, they rarely speak to each other but she knows their mom still loves them and cares for them. It's just that their mom doesn't know how to show it.

But it's time for their mom to show her love for Tori or else they also might lose someone again.

* * *

When Terry found out what her youngest child had been doing. Her whole body started trembling. That voice in her mind started to shout at her for being such an awful mom.

She never spent anytime with them and now it's her fault why her daughter is like this.

And that night she found out, she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Tori knows Trina told her mom but she didn't get angry about it anymore. She doesn't know why. Actually she doesn't know everything which made her think she is dumb that there's really no such thing as in between kind.

She knows her mom knew because if she didn't they wouldn't have to send her to a psychologist or a therapist or whatever you want to call it.

Tori started to think her mother and Trina thinks she's crazy. That it's not long before she ends up in an asylum.

Well at least when she's in an asylum she'd be all alone in a white room with no person to judge her or say anything that might degrade herself even more.

XXX

It's Friday and it's 4 pm. School just ended and her mom told her that she'd be meeting this therapist every Friday at 4 until she gets better.

But she's not sick.

They really think she's going crazy or maybe she is.

She's in her mom's car just outside of some building in the parking lot. She already had removed her seatbelt, she's just waiting for her mom before she steps outside.

"You know if you think I'm crazy you could have just sent me to an asylum or a mental hospital.. I would have gladly went there than being drag here to see a therapist who thinks he/she could help me or even simply understand me" Tori said before her mom could argue to what she's saying she went out of the car.

* * *

They went inside the building and got on the elevator. It seems her therapist's office is in the third floor and Tori just hates riding on elevators because it makes her feel dizzy and she just hates her doctor already.

When she got on the floor she and her mom walked through the hall and when they reached the receptionist.

A handsome young man greeted them with a hair that looks so fluffy that Tori just wants to touch it and ask what kind of shampoo or conditioner he uses or what salon he goes to.

"Good Afternoon. I'm Beck Oliver and what could I do for you today?" he asks.

"My daughter here has an appointment with Jade West" Terry said.

"Ahh.." he doesn't seem surprised at the mention of the name because Tori knows that this guy knows what kind of doctor that Jade West is. "Just turn to your left and walk just walk down the corridor until you reach a black door that has a name plate plastered on it" Beck said in his British accent.

Tori didn't find it cute or humorous on how he spoke instead he just makes her want to punch his face.

But Tori just nodded instead and tell the boy off about his failed accent.

"Thank you so much" her mother spoke.

As they followed Beck's instructions Tori could finally see the black door that stands out amongst the others. With a golden name plate on it just like what Beck said.

When they reached the door her mother told her that she'll be waiting for her outside. In which Tori is kind of glad that her mom won't be there to hear all her sad stories. That is if she decided to tell the girl her life story.

"Ok" was all she said to her mom.

Tori grabbed the handle of the door and twisted it open. Before she could even comprehend in what kind of room she is or even close the door.

She heard someone say "You're late"

And she knows for the fact she already hates this person.

* * *

**Happy Birthday to Liz Gillies!**

In every jori fic I have read Tori's life is all perfect and happy so I decided to change it up a little.

So please review!

I want to know what you think and if you want me to continue this.

Sorry for any mistakes. English isn't my first language.


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